GoonBlog.com

Hockey fight blog with humorous, blow-by-blow commentary on goons, enforcers and donnybrooks

Hockey fight blog with humorous, blow-by-blow commentary on goons, enforcers and donnybrooks.

GoonSquad

A Killer Intro


in GoonSquad, Killer

The nervous energy I have is comparable to getting the call from the Big Club finally telling you to pack your bags and leave the AHL for good as I have been called upon to join the ranks of the GoonSquad. Who am I? Why am I here? No, I’m not that donkey (James Bond Stockdale) Ross Perot asked to be his VP back in the 1992 Presidential race. I’ve been a fan of hockey for over 30 years. Played with and against guys who have been in the show, are in the show (not many of them left these days) and plenty that would give their left nut just for one shift. I still chase the dream every Monday night and you know what? I fuckin love this game even if Gary Bettman has ruined it with his piss poor leadership and decision making abilities. I’ll save that rant for another day.more about me.

I am married with 2 boys; we’ll call them my Million Dollar babies. The oldest already has a pretty mean slapshot. I need to make friends with the local glass company as I see many a broken window in my future. I wonder when my Million Dollar babies grow up if they will get more ink in the sports pages or the police blotters. MBH thinks we are going for # 3 but little does she know I have an appointment with Dr. Snip Snip and this kids days of slipping one by the goalie are over, unless Hannu Top Shelf Toivonen is the goalie because we all know anybody can score on him.

I’m not loaded like Chris and can’t afford the NHL Package so my exposure to the game is via B’s telecasts or the occasional national tilt on come on say it with meVERSUS. Who the fuck was the jackass who came up with that name? Can you imagine the suits sitting around a table looking each other in the eyes and saying yeah that name works, I really like it, let’s go with it. I miss the days of ESPN covering the league but I guess beggars can’t be choosers since post lock-out the ratings have been brutal.

Enough about me.Let’s hope the second half of the season has a few more throw downs we can talk about.

{ 8 Comments }

Our GoonBlog Girl is all Growed up!


in GoonSquad

Our very own lovely, talented and mouth-watering GoonBlog Girl wanted her own MySpace page. Who were we to say no? Especially after we already got her a pony, a car and her own phone line. Be gentle with her guys – any inappropriate activity and we’ll skate over and fuckin’ tune ya.

Hockey Girl

{ 1 Comment }

Avoiding GDS


in AHL, Cam Janssen, Chris, Gordie Dwyer, Mitch Love, Trevor Gillies, Uncategorized

I had given up. I’m not kidding. I wasn’t watching my Center Ice Package. I was barely paying attention to the Bruins, and I had most assuredly given up on my beloved Lowell Devils. Look at the posts I have made over the last couple months. Aside from me announcing my engagement, trying to sell T-shirts (buy some fucking shirts by the way), and giving detailed recaps of how sick I’ve been and my slight drinking problem, there has been little posts about hockey fights, or fighters.

It wasn’t a conscious decision. I really wish I had more to say. In fact, a lot has happened enforcer wise. George Parros was waived and picked up. Todd Fedoruk got his faced caved in. Brashear has been active. Those are just a few things that have happened. You see, I just didn’t have the heart. The two teams I follow the most, The Boston Bruins, and Lowell Devils, seemed to be very happy playing within the confines of the new rules. Boston has virtually no one that can do any fighting, and the Devils seemed to be the same old same old Lowell hockey club. They were once again a team that had capable guys on their roster, but no one seemed willing to drop em.

The Lowell theory goes back to the Ron Thou shall not fight, you’re a fucking joke Smith days. For years they loved to get pushed around even though they had guys capable of sticking up for themselves and teammates sitting on the bench. Even when Tom Rowe took over behind the bench and vowed they wouldn’t get pushed around, they did. Look at guys they had on their roster in Rowe’s tenure as head coach.

Brantt Myhres: 687 PIMS in 154 NHL Games. Only 77 in 29 injury plagued games in Lowell. He told me flat out he wanted to fight.

Sean Curry: Possibly the biggest pussy in the whole league.

Stephen Peat: Played 3 games. Has a mysterious leg injury.

Cody McLeod: Undersized for the role he was asked to play.

Mitch Love: Showed tons of promise before he was hurt last year.

Gordie Dwyer: One of the greatest guys I have ever met. Seemed totally unwilling to be that guy in the A.

The point I am trying to make, is I was done. I could not care less what the Devils of Lowell did. As such, I didn’t even notice when Cam Janssen was reassigned to Lowell from New Jersey. Two years ago, I would have been foaming at the mouth. Oh, I noticed when he was assigned for conditioning of his shoulder and he didn’t fight. I hoped his lack of physical play was not Gordie Dwyer Syndrome. I.e. I don’t want to fight because it’s just the A. When Janssen was sent back down after the holiday, I didn’t even notice. So when he had 3 fights in two games over the weekend, I was excited.

I really don’t think Cam is going to suffer from Gordie Dwyer Syndrome, or GDS. He had a spirited fight with Riley Cote Friday that featured the longest square off in history. I think he was the winner. He got jumped by Lowell PD’s favorite player, Martin Grenier, in what could be called a draw, and lost to Worcester’s Jonathan Tremblay yesterday. The point is, Janssen seems to really relish his role and has no signs of GDS. Cam has renewed my interest in gooning, and thuggery, and I thank him for it. So, Mr. Janssen, if you keep it up, I will keep the faith. You have the chance to become the most beloved Lowell player since Trevor Gillies. If there is a pill or a lotion you need to apply to avoid GDS, I will supply it. Hopefully all you need is the cheers of the fans, and a few cold ones after the game. Hey, I can supply that as well!

{ 9 Comments }

Turning Over a New Maple Leaf


in The Ref

Early January tends to bring out the remorse in people. “I’m going to quit drinking so much on Tuesdays. I’m going to start going to the gym to exercise, and not just have a wank in the locker room. I’m going to let my wife leave the house to vote”. But the repentance and apologetic nature of the new year is usually short lived, no matter how shameless the previous one might have been.

It’s January 4th, and I have just returned from the new Boston Massacre at the BankNorth Garden where the Leafs smote the Bruins 10-2. It was a great, even game for the first half a period – and I remember thinking how lucky it was that my uninitiated lady friend was getting to attend such a great contest as her first. But then it all skated downhill. By the early third, the less than humble Toronto fans near the ice in front of us were getting pelted with peanuts and had their baseball hats thrown out onto the ice. We scanned for further shenanigans as little pockets of trouble became visible around the Garden. Bad winners and worse losers had the golden-jacketed Remax security agents running ragged.

Bruins Lewis Pissed

As I work in marketing, I know what spin is. Steen’s hat trick and five unanswered Toronto goals in the second period are unspinnable, even for the best of the silver-lining manufacturers. A brutal, soul-sucking night in North Station this evening. To make it worse, I have to fly to Toronto tomorrow. Whatever resolutions the Bruins might have made this past Monday morning, I’m not sure anyone is listening anymore.

{ 6 Comments }

Will the Real Bruins Please Stand Up?


in Chris

That was a decent Bruins game last night for about 10 minutes. I really don’t understand this team. I spent all week talking how they are a better club than people think, and I get validated by Thursday’s come from behind win. Then, Saturday’s stinker gets laid, and I look like an A hole. These fuckers are starting to make me look bad. I was encouraged by Hannu’s play, although he let up a softie, and a juicy rebound goal. All in all, I think he played pretty well, and even managed a few spectacular kick saves. I think he needs a start from Coach Lewis. Get him a little more confidence eh?

I got an e-mail from Versus Friday, and they asked me to do a little plug for them. I guess they saw my post about them getting better, and Doc being the best in the business. At any rate, Monday will be the first nationally televised game between Crosby and Ovechkin. These are two teams I watch a lot on Center Ice. For hockey fans you have Alexander the Great, and Alexander Semin. The Pens feature Sid the Kid, Malkin, and rookie Jordan Staal. For the players we care most about, The Caps have Donald Brashear, and John Erksine. Pittsburgh has Eric Cairns, and a host of other guys willing to step up and protect the franchise. I think it’ll be a great tilt. Now that I plugged it, it’ll probably suck. Either way, what else are you going to do Monday? Watch football?

{ 9 Comments }

A Letter to Gary Bettman. But Who’s Bitter?


in PJ Stock, The Ref

This came in via our MySpace profile from a reader called RunninAmok. We’ve met many great hockey fan folk through the MS network, and if you haven’t made friends with us yet please do so. 206 friends and counting!

“This was written by a member of Fried Chicken’s Hockey Fight Site from Vancouver, with some input from others that I added to it.”

I would like to congratulate Gary Bettman for doing his very best for improving the NHL as we know it. Gary, you have done a marvelous job since you have been Commissioner of the NHL. You have been instrumental in 2 work stoppages, half of the 1994-95 season (468 games), and a complete loss of the 2004-05 season.

Gary, great job in bringing back half empty arenas, and for moving two great Canadian franchises in Quebec City and Winnipeg. Sure, we have a “new” team in Ottawa, but you’re right, Carolina, Nashville and Miami are much better hockey markets. Nothing says “Old Time Hockey” like those blue, silver, and bright yellow jerseys of the Nashville Predators. I can’t wait until Pittsburgh, Edmonton, or Calgary move since we all know Houston, Kansas City and Las Vegas are such hotbeds for hockey!

Thank you Gary for bringing us a schedule where we don’t need to see each team every year. In a place like Vancouver, they have hundreds of fans who would like to see the Leafs, Habs or Bruins play the Canucks every season, but once again, you’re right, playing Calgary, Minnesota and Edmonton 8 times a season is much more entertaining than seeing an original 6 team like New York, Detroit, or Toronto. Who cares if the Stanley Cup Champions play here? Who cares if Ovechkin, Crosby, Malkin or Staal play here every 3 seasons? Gary, you’re right, we don’t need them.

Mr. Bettman, how do you do it? How did you get such a sweet deal on OLN? Yes, having the NHL on a channel Americans have to pay for is much better than ESPN. The numbers don’t lie; OLN’s numbers prove that. ESPN, NBC, CBS, yeah, we don’t need that. We have Pay Per View; how fortunate are we! What ever happened to that Fox Trax puck? I miss that.

Getting back to the schedule, I really like how some games are worth two points and others three. It’s also so exciting to see no battles in front of the net or body contact of any kind. Hockey is such a great game now. I couldn’t stand watching Todd Bertuzzi slamming Chris Chelios or freight training Barret Jackman. Those bodychecks were so violent! We don’t need that in OUR sport. No way! I prefer to see Henrik or Daniel Sedin, able to stand unimpeded in front of the crease so they can tap in a rebound! I’m so happy that fighting is almost gone from the game. Now I have more time to go get some popcorn or a drink instead of wondering if Brian McGratton would fight Wade Brookbank. Wait, the Canucks got rid of Brookbank because he was tough. Also, that fight would only happen every three years.

Gary, I’m thrilled that there are so many Europeans in the game. Having Europeans on the third and fourth line is fascinating. Watching them cycle the puck back and forth behind the net is so exciting. I’m glad to see guys such as PJ Stock, Gino Odjick and Tie Domi gone from the game. They didn’t bring anything to the game that a fourth liner from Europe couldn’t. I really hated to hear those chants of Gino, Gino, Gino we used to hear when he went after Marty McSorley or Tie Domi. Like I mentioned fighting was a despicable part of the game. I now have time to go to the washroom, beating those intermission crowds.

I really enjoy watching five on four, four on three, or five on three games nightly. There’s nothing more entertaining than seeing more goals. I love seeing the stars racking up the points like Gretzky and Lemieux used to. We don’t need those old records that were set before you became commissioner. Players like Gordie Howe, Bobby Hull, Phil Esposito or Bobby Orr aren’t important. They played in that era of fighting and limited power plays. These players had to battle nightly for space on the ice or in front of the net. I’m so glad to see that you don’t have to pay a price to score. What a chore that was. If Gretzky played in today’s game, he may have gotten 400 points, but let’s not get silly now.

And thank you for the two-referee system. Get some more people out there on the ice and call more penalties. Forty minor penalties per game is exciting and really gets the average Joe and Joan heading to the arena. In conclusion Mr.Bettman, I’d just like to say that the game, as you see it, could never be better & I hope you are thrilled with today’s product coming to a rink near you. By the way Gary, have you ever played the game, or even watched it?

Sincerely,

A WHL fan.

{ 13 Comments }

The Podcast Cometh


in Colton Orr, Hockey Podcasts, The Ref

This Saturday your beloved GoonSquad will be returning to fighting form and attending the Bruins/Ranger game at the Garden. To say that we’re excited about hockey’s return would be an understatement. To say I’m excited about having Jalepno poppers at Sports Grill beforehand would be a gross understatement. Very gross. Regardless, Colton Orr will be returning to Beantown for the first time since his release, likely looking to tattoo Wade Brookbank. Hopefully Chris won’t run into Orr at the bar and fire chicken wing spittle into his face while pledging his eternal devotion this time. So Chris, Hammer the Younger and yours truly will be lacing up our livers and hitting North Station with a vengance around 2pm, with digital voice recorder in tow. Digital voice recorder, you ask?

To further mark this joyous occasion, we’ll be recording our very first GoonBlog Podcast before, during and after the game. It may take a while to get the hang of it, and even longer to figure out the editing learning curve, but by this time next week it’ll be live for your enjoyment/morbid fascination. You can expect mutual disresepect, at least 10 SlapShot references, extreme off-topic veering and – we hope – a heck of a lot of funny. If you want statistics, nobody beats HockeyFights.com. For humorous, R-rated, booze-soaked commentary and morbid entertainment value, we hope the GoonBlog Podcast manages to get a hand on you, pull a shirt over your shoulderpads and then pummel the crap out of you. You know, make an impression.

{ 1 Comment }

A Time Capsule Full of Goons.


in Goons, Old Time Hockey, The Ref, Tie Domi

During the off-season it’s tough to sit down and find something to write about every day. Come to think of it, that’s a challenge for us even in the middle of the schedule – so now we’re really fucked. I found a prehistoric (1993) University of Chicago student goon site that I’m shocked is still live. With Domi’s recent retirement, and the tough-guy’s future threatened by new hockey rules, I thought the list would present a nostalgic look back at the state of thuggery in the NHL 13 years ago. How sweet it was:

1. Bob Probert– LW, Detroit Red Wings. “Probert, Probert, what a man; We see him, it’s slam-bam. Let’s go.” -D. Cherry Amassing 292 penalty minutes over the course of 80 games last year, Probert took on all challengers and usually stood tall at the end.

2. Marty McSorley– D, Pittsburgh Penguins. Although Probert is the better fighter, Marty has protected the biggest names in hockey (Wayne Gretzky last year, and Mario Lemieux this year) and led the league in penalty minutes last year with 399.

3. Tie (The Albanian Aggressor) Domi– RW, Winnipeg Jets. While his primary job is to protect teammate Teemu Selanne (Tay-MOO SEH-lahn-nay) from cheap shot artists, Domi finds time to play with his fellow goons, including a legendary bout with Probert last year (won by Probert needless to say), score 15 points, and rack up 344 penalty minutes in a mere 61 games.

4. Gino Odjick– LW, Vancouver Canucks. Pavel Bure doesn¹t need to worry about getting abused as long the 6¹3², 220-pound Odjick is around. Odjick had 370 penalty minutes in 75 games last season, and managed to up his offensive output to 17 points.

5. Stu Grimson– LW, Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Those opponents who sail into the pond this year and are tempted to make fowl comments about the Ducks, will think twice after Stu welcomes them with a brutal cross-check. While he Å’only¹ tallied 193 penalty minutes in 78 games with the Chicago Blackhawks, Stu made up for it with an intense physical style of play, as well as a fiery temper which helped spark the team.

6. Jim McKenzie– LW, Hartford Whalers. As if frequent references to Bob and Doug McKenzie (beauty eh?) weren¹t enough, Jim is forced to play in one of the greatest pits of North America. This helps explain why Jim had 202 penalty minutes in only 64 games; while few of them were foolish penalties, he is obviously an angry young man.

7. Randy McKay– RW, New Jersey Devils. Randy has one of the better work ethics among the NHL¹s goons and it paid off last year, as he netted 11 goals and was the proud recipient of 206 penalty minutes.

8. Shane Churla– RW, Dallas Stars. It will be interesting to see if the warmer climate and supportive fans of Dallas will soften Shane, who has been used to playing in completely opposite conditions in Minnesota. Since the Stars have only changed cities, not divisions, Mr. Churla will still have to contend with Mr. Probert, and also gets a new rival in the form of one Tie Domi. Look for him to improve upon last year¹s totals of 286 penalty minutes in 73 games.

9. Mike Peluso– LW, New Jersey Devils. The Devils have one of the league¹s most fearsome goon lines, with Peluso (318 PM in 81 games) at left wing and McKay (see number 7) at right wing. Peluso scored 15 goals and dished out 10 assists last year, but these numbers may fall off, since he won¹t get the playing time in New Jersey that he got in Ottawa.

10. Paul Laus– D, Florida Panthers. This is Wango Wango¹s dark horse. Coming from the bowels of hockey (the Cleveland Lumberjacks of the IHL), Paul has yet to play in the NHL but will surely rank among the goon elite. He racked up a whopping 427 penalty minutes in 76 games and 1,495 penalty minutes in his 6 years in the IHL.

So there you have it. Memory lane. How would this list look today, and are these sorts of players and positions truly becoming extinct? As the league heads into year 2 of the new NHL – is it going to get worse for our beloved goon?

{ 2 Comments }

GoonBlog T-Shirt Pre-Order. Anyone?


in GoonSquad

Hello all – and I hope my email on this lovely Spring day finds you well. I’ll get right to the point – Chris, Hammer and I really wanted to have a bunch of GoonBlog merchandise based around the new logo created so that we could give it all away to friends and loyal readers like friggin’ Santy Claus. I have talked to 7 different print shops at this point. I have been ‘hooked-up’ by people who are sleeping with, or at least tugging, presidents and CEOs. There is still no way we’re going to get this done for less than $500 of our own cash.

I can live off hommous and baby carrots for a month and front the money, but hopes of giving the stuff away free in the interest of publicity is going to be too cost-prohibitive. My question is this, dear reader. I know you’re out there, because we check the server logs daily and speak with a lot of you via email and comments. Is there a market for these shirts? If I were to arrange a pre-order for a limited edition line of 2-sided, 3-color shirts with the logo on the front and "Drop the Gloves" on the back would you pay $10 for one? That’s with a very small margin for the GoonSquad – probably just enough to cover costs, and maybe even shipping too. I’d make it real easy by setting up a dedicated PayPal account.

Leave a comment and let us know if you’d be interested. The wheels are already in motion to get these made pretty fast. I just have to know if there is going to be any demand because I’m not in the habit of taking baths, unless of course it’s in a ceramic tub and I’ve paid a Phillipino prostitute to accompany me. And even then certainly not $500.

{ 11 Comments }